The One I Love: Cy
by LisaAnnee
Summary: Cy was written awhile back. It's about a girl looking for direction about he leaves her. He being Cy.


I said I would never forget him. I swore that his voice would always be like a song stuck in my head. No matter how hard I tried, it would not leave. Also I promised that his eyes and mouth would forever be an unforgettable image in my mind. His personality would be my own. We said 'I love you'', doesn't that mean always? In a moment of fear of losing each other, we slit our wrists and let the blood stream together. We would feel pain at the same time. Without the other we would be emotionless. I swore, no many how many years of anger I would still remember his face. It was a lie, all of it. I had forgotten everything about Cy. The memories are all that remain. Memories of all the things we went through together. I cry myself to sleep not knowing what Cy looks like. Not knowing what he was wearing or what he was doing. My wrists, they've been slit so many times just trying to feel his blood. Maybe I didn't want to feel his blood. Maybe I was slit my wrists to see my insides. Would he be in there? Like that myth with Zeus. If I cut deep enough maybe I'd see his expressionless face. Maybe it would look at my quizzically, wondering where he was. And when he saw my gleaming tears maybe he would reach up and say into my ear that everything would be alright. He said he couldn't marry me. Them be embraced me. Did he think that would make everything alright? I remember it did, a little. I tried to pretend that I was mad at his but I couldn't be. 'We are too much in love.' he whispered, 'It's slowly killing us both.' he wouldn't marry be because he didn't want me to feel the loss before I didn't have time to recover. There was a time when he sad that we would always be together. He lied. A writer, that's what he was. His work better then most of the published shit that I read today. It made you feel better about yourself. It made you feel as if you were floating on a cloud. I know it sounds corny but it's true. I felt Cy's words envelope me. Take me to a mysterious place that I haven't been to since. I don't know if I'll ever be there again. Maybe the streams of tears will take me there. Maybe I'll be lighter then water and fly there. And maybe when I get there Cy will be standing there as I arrive. We had no common interests. We were people with such different ideas and personalities. With different thoughts and views. We hated each other. We hated our love. And how perfect it was. We both hated how we were unable to escape from the binding which we were held to gather by. Maybe I lied. Maybe we shared one thing: The confusion of love. Maybe it was enough to keep us together. Maybe it was enough to keep us apart. I lied. We had more in common then two people ever can. 'Close your eyes.' Cy said. When I didn't he yelled it at me. That was the only time he demanded me to do anything. It was the only time his voice was louder then a whisper. When I said no again I knew that he had gotten mad. His voice quivered as he told me to close my eyes one last time. I didn't close my eyes and he approached me. His hand connected with the thin skin on my face. Tears streamed and feet ran. In the elevator going to the floor level I leaned against the wall and cried. Later after I had gotten home, he called to say sorry. I had no choice but to believe him. He took me on a picnic one night. Under the twinkling stars and full moon we drank wine. That was the fist time he said 'I love you' in that familiar whisper. He fed my chocolate covered strawberries. They tasted almost as good as the belief that he loved me. Was that false hope? His loving me? Did I imagine the love tasting so good because of the false hope? Was his love so good because of the sweet fruits and cake? One day I'll find out the answer. Maybe I won't. I don't eat anymore. Maybe if I'm thin he'll come back to me so we can run away with all our dreams. If I don't eat then nothing bad will be in my body. I'll be thin and pure. Like how I once was. Is that what you want? Do you want me to suffer from anorexia for you? I will if you want me too. I'd do anything for you. Give you the world if I could. Bridges and boundaries brining us closer. I'll be thing and not eat 'til you come back. And when you're here if you'd rather me not be thing then I'll ruin everything I worked for. Just for you. If I close my eyes then I might remember him. I think about knowing that I won't. Do I still really love him? I'm I just imaging it because I believe that we are meant for each other? Did he ever feel the same way toward me? Some times I wonder if he left me for someone else. She is pretty then me, with long blonde hair that always looks perfect. Her eyes are pale blue. Or is it possible that he really went away because we were to much in love? I want to believe that he did but it gets harder each day. Maybe I just want to blame the other girl so I don't have to blame him. Then I would no longer feel anger toward him. If I ever see him again I'll ask him. I just need that reassurance. The month following his leaving, I left my door unlocked. I though he would come in at night. Cy would surprise me. I wouldn't realize it was him. It would think it all a dream. But I would awaken to his familiar smell of peppermints and know it was real. I guess I knew that this wouldn't happen. I would never wake up with him again. But I really wanted it more then anything. I wanted the comfort of knowing that I was no longer alone to fight me battles. I wanted to know that I would no longer be held with my own insecurities. It was more selfish then anything but that's how I truthfully felt. A friend tried to comfort me. I think that my friends might've been trying to be Cy. To replace him. I told my friends that no one could replace him. It was that simple. Never would there be someone who could heal my wounds. I think it was a lie. After so many sleepless nights the one person was found. We shared fears. He made me better. I made him better. Mike was almost perfect. It was as if he was born flawless. There was nothing discouraging about him. I knew it was too good but his strong arms squeezed me and I let him into my life. Mike as the opposite of Cy. But I shared so much, Cy and me. Our love and appreciation toward music. Being able to pull apart mysterious lyrics. Mike would be Cy. Never be like Cy. For my birthday he took me to a Foo Fighters concert. As I watched Dave Ghrol but the guitar I felt so much better then I had in such a long time. The lyrics meant so much to me. At the end of the set Dave jumped into the crowd. I felt his soaking shirt. He was like us. I was drugged by the music and alcohol after the show. It was how I always felt. Whether it was me performing or me watching. It felt so good to be with Mike. Maybe I forgot about him during the time Mike and me were together. I know that forever the denial will remain. But Mike committed suicide. He killed himself. God, it hurt so much. It felt so familiar. I wanted to kill myself but I was never good at suicide. I felt worse then when I lost Cy because the possibility of him coming back was there. Mike was just gone. Mike would no longer breath, sing, play guitar. God, it hurt so much. I can't find words to describe it. At night I still cry missing him. But it was right after this that Cy came back. Did he except me to just open my arms to him as if nothing had happened. Like them his hit me. Or the time when he threatened to slit my throat. Did think that I would forget the months and years he was away? Just because he whispered that he loved me? Would I forget about Mike because I had him? Is that what he thought? He wanted me to forget the years we were apart. No, I told him, I won't. My friend held me and let my friend replace Cy but not Mike. No one will replace Mike. My friend will love me as I once believed Cy did but not as Mike really did. 


End file.
